There are times when no words are adequate to describe the different emotions, thoughts, feelings that keep running through my head. And in those times, I feel incompetent as a writer. The words won’t flow and the words are supposed to flow at all times. The lines of poetry are supposed to form themselves out of the aether and I am supposed to be the conduit that puts those words onto the page.
But what if the aether is silent?
What if the universe is not speaking, but is just sitting back, watching?
In those moments, when I can’t find the words to say, when the universe doesn’t seem to be speaking, I have to do something I hate, something that makes me feel completely incompetent and small:
I have to take a deep dive into myself and look at what is there.
The fear that comes with that deep dive is the fear that as I go deeper, when I finally reach the bottom of the well, there will be nothing there. That at the core of me, there is nothing but emptiness. But perhaps more terrifying than the prospect of emptiness is the prospect that the bottom of the well holds not emptiness, but confusion. At my greatest depths, am I a deeply conflicted and confused individual?
Nevertheless, I have to try.
This is what the bottom of the well has rendered:
Black lives matter, but the BLM movement is deeply flawed.
Blue lives matter, but the senseless brutality of the police has to stop.
All lives matter, but that is no excuse to ignore gross injustice.
Utopias cannot exist, but that is no reason not to try to improve.
As change occurs, former slaves should not become new masters.
Violence always, always only begets more violence.
Change is good, but should not be allowed to occur unchecked and unrestrained.
Things need to change, change is necessary, but not without well thought-out process and discourse.
Right now, maybe the universe has stopped speaking. Maybe we are on our own. Maybe the universe is speaking, but we have stopped listening. Maybe I have stopped listening. But this is what I have, this is where I am in my conflicted, confused thoughtspace. It may not be right, but it is my honest assessment of my own positions in a time when the world seems to be demanding everyone have a position.
The culture clashes I see raging around me I see raging in myself.
Looking at those clashes, inside me and beside me, I see the universe and I hear it speak.